I'm Still Here
by Peahopeless
Summary: It's V and Evey's first New Year's Eve since they were reunited and Evey wants assurance that things will continue forward in their relationship. Presented with Evey's desire, V feels that the time has come to make known the reality of Larkhill's damage.
1. I'm Still Here

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**Disclaimer:** As always, they're not mine and never will be. These characters and places belong to Alan Moore, DC Comics, Wachowski brothers, and Warner Bros.

**Author's Note:** This is one story of many (over 100) that are written in a timeline format. Not all of these stories have been posted on this site yet (some of them -- rated for adults only -- will never be posted to this site), **but all of my stories -- including those not posted here yet -- have been posted on my aol website.** Just click on my username for more information on how to get to my homepage, or do a search on PEAhopeless V for Vendetta Fan Fiction on the internet.

**Special notes:** This was written between 8pm and 2am one night. I think they possessed me. I really do.

This takes place on New Year's Eve.

If you are a new reader ... if you have only read up to this point in the chronology/timeline, then you should know that there's a surprise coming. When you reach it, I ask you to please trust me, and please bear with me til the end. **There are special notes on my research as to the matter addressed in this story, in chapter two.**

**This story has accompanying artwork.** To view them, visit my aol homepage and click on, "I'm Still Here".

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**I'm Still Here**

"Evey?" V cooed, gently rocking the woman who'd fallen asleep in his arms. "Wake up, love, or you'll miss the magic countdown."

New Year's Eve, and the celebrations raged on the television screen before them. The party atmosphere must not have been terribly contagious though, given Evey's current state of slumber. For nearly thirty minutes, she'd been sleeping peacefully across her beau's chest.

Not that he minded. Not that he would ever mind. In truth, he had probably encouraged it -- soothingly rubbing her back; her arm; her side, until she'd finally succumbed to the land of dreams.

And he knew that moment. -- -- When she had limpened in his arms ... her head lolling another inch down his sternum. She was listening to his heart ... he was nearly certain. Something she would do without telling him, and something that would make him smile broadly behind the mask -- also without telling her. Did she notice when its pace quickened? That was really the only question that remained.

Only a month ago, when an evening would end like this, he would be faced with prompting her awake, then trying to get a sleepy Evey Hammond escorted safely back to her flat. A task he was always willing to embark on, but one that left him saddened nonetheless, upon return to the silence of the Gallery.

As of just a few weeks ago however, the rules had changed. Three times already, during just this holiday season alone, he'd had the supreme honour of carrying a sleepy, groggy Evey from this very sofa to the comfort of her own bed. He would coax her beneath a blanket -- -- fully clothed of course, knowing well the boundaries he would not allow himself to cross -- -- then open another blanket atop her, lest the winter chill in the air catch up to her during the night. And then ... in hushed tones, he would assure her that all was well. That he would see her in the morning, and that she was loved. Always, that she was loved.

It was almost tempting to do so now, if only to hear that last endearment she would whisper just as he'd turn to leave her bedside. But there would be the devil to pay in the morning -- of that, he was certain. She wanted to see the New Year in ... ... had been quite adamant about it all day. Their first New Year's together. -- -- She was not about to miss it.

So, after reminding him multiple times of their 'midnight date', she had promptly and ironically fallen asleep at just gone 11:00pm.

It made him laugh to himself as he slid his hand a little more firmly down her arm.

"Come, love," he hushed, leaning his mask into the curls at the back of her head. "The party continues, and you're missing every exciting moment."

... ... Was that too facetious, he wondered to himself? But it worked. She took a deep inhalation, letting it out with an unconscious sigh, then began struggling her way to an upright position.

"Did I miss it?" she asked as his hands helped her regain her upright composure. -- -- Not too helpful though. ... ... He had to admit, he regretted the loss of that warm, wonderful contact already.

"No," he replied, rubbing gently up and down her spine while she fought to regain her coherence. "There are still seventeen minutes left to the waning year. Now is the time to say your farewells however."

... ... Evey squinted at the television, her eyes still adjusting to the waking world. "They changed bands since I fell asleep."

"They changed bands three times since you fell asleep," V delivered with a perfectly deadpan countenance.

"Very funny," she replied, playfully tapping his abdomen with the back of one hand. Then her eyes returned to her beau, and she gave him 'that look'.

The one she would give if she awoke while he was delivering her to her bed. Or even if she was just retiring to her room under her own locomotion, or leaving for her flat because staying was not an option, for one reason or another. 'That look', that said whatever life threw at her ... in the next minute, or the next day, or even this next year ... she was happy; she was content; and she loved him. Such trust, when there were still so many aspects of him that she had not yet become acquainted with.

"Ring out the old and ring in the new," she commented, her smile growing. She was talking to remain awake. ... He could tell. And he would oblige.

"Are you happy to see the year end?" he asked, rubbing her spine. He was trying to prevent his touch from becoming too lulling, but that was easier said than done. "Do you celebrate its departure?"

Evey shook her head in the negative, collecting thoughts.

"Yes and no," she answered honestly. "When it started, and you were still ... ..."

She faltered, and V nodded silently. Yes -- -- when he was still separated from her.

"... ... I was almost happy to see any span of time end," she continued. "Even a year, if that meant it would stop hurting so much."

V's hand dropped to her waist, already sliding around her in comfort even though he knew his task was to keep her awake. He couldn't help it. -- -- It was almost beyond his control when his arm went the rest of the way around her, and he pulled her back onto his chest.

"But this year," she mused, ... ... "this year ... or at least this last half of it ... was possibly the best of my life. ... ... Do you realize how far we've come?"

Although his smile was hidden behind the mask, he was certain she would feel it in his embrace. And yet again, he had to remind himself that resuming the joy of her slumbering atop him, was not the immediate goal.

"More than I would have ever thought possible," he agreed. "More than I would have ever dared ask for."

Evey chuckled so very lightly ... so subtle that he felt it rather than heard it ... and her hand rubbed gently on his abdomen. "I know. ... ... Who would have thought, just half a year ago, that we'd be doing this now? ... ... I like it though." ... ... Her hand made another pass across his stomach, and she lifted herself higher, laying her head more squarely on the expanse of his shoulder. "You make a good pillow. Has anyone ever told you that?"

V laughed ... a low rumble that shook her lightly. "No, my dear." ... His hand landed involuntarily in her hair, stroking downward in such a lulling way that he swore he wasn't trying for. ... "I don't believe such qualities have ever been attributed to me."

"Good," she murmured, inching a little further into his neck. ... ... ... "We're getting closer, V. ... ... I like that. ... ... Am I allowed to admit that I hope the next year brings us even closer still?"

He froze.

Not for long. But he froze.

Closer? ... ... And he was pretty certain she didn't mean merely this closeness with which she was settling down for sleep. ... ... Maybe she was more awake than he'd given her credit for.

"I can claim that I'm half asleep, if it makes it easier to hear," she continued, having noticed his sudden stillness. Her tone was almost apologetic. "Or I can blame it on the holiday mood. Or I can ..."

"No, love," he interrupted, pressing his mask to the top of her head, his arms encircling to still her. "You needn't blame it on anything. ... ... You might, however, choose to blame me for my own inability to be forthright."

"V, I," ... she tried to sit up, fully prepared to withdraw the statement. New Year's Eve was not a time to trod on thin ice. She knew that. But he stopped her again ... the mask coaxing her head further into his neck, and with just as much adamancy and care as if it were his genuine face burying into her hair.

"There is something I have delayed telling you, Evey. ... ... Perhaps my courage is lacking. Perhaps I do not know when, or if, this will actually become an issue. But at this hour, on an evening when Father Time steps down from his throne to give the world a new, clean page, I believe there should be honesty between us. ... ... I once promised you no more lies, and then lied by omission -- -- the omission of my own survival. I will do that no longer. So I must indeed tell you something."

... ... He paused, waiting to see if she would argue. Or try to stop him. Or try to encourage him. ... Or try to do anything at all. Instead, she remained silent under the weight of the words he'd already spoken.

So he took a deep breath, and began the statement he had dreaded for months.

"You know my hands, love. You've seen them. You know the damage. ... ... And you know that I did not take up this mask as mere idolatry of Mr. Fawkes. ... ... The scars of Larkhill run far and wide. And are inclusive. ... ... It was not merely my physical appearance that Larkhill stole ... that the fire wiped from my life. But my physical presence as well. ... ... While I come to you an intact man, I am nonetheless a broken man."

She said nothing at first. Didn't even move. Then, with a small voice, ... ... "You mean you can't, ... ... "

"I mean that certain abilities, that would directly affect any such relations with you, are robbed of me. ... ... And I beg that you not ask me to elaborate in blatant detail. I can barely express that which I've already said."

... ... Silence again, while the revelers on the television whooped and hollered. Another new band stepped in, setting the musical pace even faster.

Then, Evey's small voice again. ... ... "Do you want me though?"

It was literally so outlandish that V let out a small breath of shock. "Oh, Evey," he purred. ... ... His hands captured her head, drawing her up so that he might face her properly. ... ... "If you had any idea. Truly, love. If you had any idea at all, the thoughts that filter through my mind during our times together, you could never ask such a thing. Of course I feel those more amorous inclinations."

Two gloved fingers trailed down through the lock of wayward curls that fell across her cheek. And even with that mask between them, she felt not even the slimmest doubt as to his veracity. It was in his voice, and in his touch. ... ... She did believe him.

He could sense her trust in his answer, and he readily offered another bit of reassurance. -- -- "I only mean, my love, that sharing such things with me, would not entail everything one might naturally expect."

... ... It actually drew a small smile from Evey. Yes, she knew the answer to that. -- -- "It's already not what 'one might naturally expect'," she replied. ... ... "But it's what I want. And I'm still here." ... ... Her smile rose a little further, instinctive to her next words. ... ... "I love you."

V's head tilted, wondering briefly if she really understood the implications. "I would not take such a step lightly. Nor would I have you do so either, Evey." ... ... He paused, searching for some way to make her appreciate the gravity. ... ... "We speak of your life here. Of certain human joys that would be lost to you."

"I know what you mean," she answered quietly. "But there would be other joys. ... ... You'd be the greatest joy of all. ... ... I'm still here, V. ... And I love you."

... ... For seconds, he just stared. ... Humbled. ... Willing himself to believe this was no dream. That he hadn't merely fallen asleep beside her.

But that same acceptance was in her eyes. -- -- That same, unyielding acceptance as always, glowing more warmly, and with more assurance than he'd ever been blessed to witness. ... ... It wasn't a dream. ... ... "As I love you," he finally swore, the mask tilting just a little closer. "As I love you."

Some feet away, a countdown began ... revelers shouting the numbers out.

'Ten.'

'Nine.'

And neither V nor Evey were paying the least bit of attention.

"Can I still wish that the next year brings us closer?" she murmured in a soft, hopeful voice.

'Eight.'

'Seven.'

"Yes, love. ... ... I would like to believe that is a wish worth having."

'Six.'

'Five.'

She inched toward him, V's hands drifting from her face as his arms moved to embrace her.

'Four.'

'Three.'

And then she was back where she wanted to be ... held with such gentle strength against him, while she buried into the man she loved.

'Two.'

'One.'

Her face rose as the shouts of 'Happy New Year' went out behind her. And she kissed his neck, hearing his happy sigh in accompaniment.

The next year had begun.

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**Go to chapter two for my research on V's condition and how it is dealt with in the adult stories that I have written for V and Evey.**

**Author's Note:** This is one story of many (over 100) that are written in a timeline format. Not all of these stories have been posted on this site yet (some of them -- rated for adults only -- will never be posted to this site), **but all of my stories -- including those not posted here yet -- have been posted on my aol website.** Just click on my username for more information on how to get to my homepage, or do a search on PEAhopeless V for Vendetta Fan Fiction on the internet.

**This story has accompanying artwork.** To view them, visit my aol homepage and click on, "I'm Still Here".


	2. Notes on V's condition

**Brief warning for those of a more squimish nature:** If you are uncomfortable reading about male anatomy and the specific medical terms used while doing so, please be advised that the medical terminology is heavily used in the paragraphs found below.

If you're a new reader who has only read up to this point in the chronology/timeline, then this might have been a bit of a shock. There are many things that I want to assure you of, and I ask you to please bear with me. I have made, and will continue to make V and Evey strong, despite this. I promise. I care very much about these two. I would never let them fall to something like this.

First, I did not merely pull up the idea of impotence as a whim, I promise. Nor did I do it to in any way hurt V. I would never, ever, do anything to hurt these characters so dramatically, just for the fun of it. I always try to treat my characters with the utmost respect. I did do some research on the effects of severe burns on male genetalia, and impotence does indeed appear to be an issue, especially if no skin grafting is done.

Yes, I do believe V is probably impotent. I've done research, and my findings are discussed and layed out below. But please don't panic. That is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think I can actually use that scenario to make their relationship -- as a couple genuinely in love -- into a stronger relationship. V and Evey will work around this and come out stronger. I do promise you. I would give this couple nothing less than my absolute best.

Let me be honest ... I'm a married woman in her thirties, and I'd like to gently advise any young female readers that if you settle down and marry, your mate will almost definitely run into a bout of impotence at some point. And how you handle it could make all the difference in the world. It doesn't mean the woman doesn't "turn him on" enough, nor is it merely a matter of male embarassment over something failing. I've spent years on various relationship boards, and one thing I learned is that if a man honestly loves a woman, sex is a form of communication for him. When it doesn't work, he often feels like he can't communicate, or "show" his love as well. So that is what we have to get around here.

And finally, no, I'm not going for a miracle cure here, because I don't think they need it. I honestly think they can be stronger than that. I don't want to whip a miracle cure out, if it would in any way imply that I think they "need" it to survive as a strongly mated couple.

I also want to assure you that I will make their relationship stronger despite this. I don't want to give them a magic cure, because for me personally, that would make me feel as though I'm saying that they're not strong enough to survive this as a couple, without having a magic cure to fix it. To me, personally, I would feel as though I were disrespecting them. Because I think they are strong enough. Intercourse does not define sex, nor does it define a strong couple. Love does. And that's what I intend to use and build for them.

And finally, I want to also note that as of the date I first wrote and posted this story on my homepage/homesite/website (6/12/2006), I had already posted eight adult stories, all received very well. As of this date that I now post "I'm Still Here" here on ffnet, I've posted 33 adult stories on my homepage. V and Evey's relationship, including in the adult format, has progressed and improved throughout the decade of time that these stories cover.

**Why I think V is impotent ... the details, including references.**

Ok, let me first say, yet again and before anyone panics, that this will not be a problem for them. If you go on to read the later adult stories (they can be found on my homepage via the link in my profile), you'll find that I'm trying to make them stronger, even while they work around this particular issue.

Let me next say that I did do research on this. You know, I spent til the age of 26 in graduate school, doing the research for my Phd in Physics. I am a scientist by trade. My very gut instinct, ground into my bones, is to go out and search for the data. So yes, I did it here too.

And let me further say that I realize I'm about to belabor this point, but some of the questions I've received do deserve an answer. I put forth that I did not go into this hoping that V would be compromised in such a way. Hand on the Bible, I was not hoping for it. Quite the contrary, actually. I went into this wondering what medical case studies would suggest as the result. You know, I've been married for eight years, to a man who is now in his forties. It's a simple fact that almost every man out there will go through at least bouts of temporary impotence, especially as they grow older. It happens, and to a vast, vast majority of men. And like most married women, I've seen bouts of impotence 'in action' (no pun intended), and I would not wish it on anyone. But one thing you learn, as you go through it, is that there are ways around it ... and if you can get around the issue in a healthy way, it makes the relationship stronger. How the female reacts is a large part of recovery.

Ok, first off, based on the condition of V's hands (what we see in the movie, at least), the burning did appear to be pretty bad. I, personally, would not call that minor scarring. It appears, visually, to be what's known as hypertrophic scarring. Secondly, when we see him walking out of the fire, it would certainly appear that the flames he was walking through could get literally everywhere.

Now, as for the research ... ... From what I've found in the published medical case studies and burn advisory pages, if male genetalia is badly burned then even a "traditional" skin graft is unlikely to return proper functionality to the male organ. It's because even the scarring from the skin graft can make the new skin too tough ... not flexible enough. The skin on a penis must retain a certain suppleness for proper functionality. To explain it another way, imagine a penis that's been burned badly enough that the medical professionals would decide to do a skin graft. The skin that grows back will indeed have less scarring than had the burns merely been allowed to heal over entirely on their own. The newly grafted skin will indeed be smoother and less scarred. However, it will still, most likely, be toughened enough (also including the tissues beneath, if the burn hit the base of the skin), that the penis will be unable to swell properly. It's a function of the toughness and ridgidity of the new skin. It is not an issue of the penis being "burnt off" ... the penis can still be entirely present, with urine still passing through just as normal. It's not a function of penis "loss'. Rather, it's an issue of the suppleness of the newly grown skin, and whether or not the penis can swell as needed, within that skin.

Now, I don't think V had skin grafting done. Those hands of his did not look as though they had been "skin grafted". And if he didn't even get his hands treated with proper medical attention, then I doubt he got his groin treated either. So consider this ... if properly treated, skin grafted, penile skin is still so scarred and toughened as to make impotence likely, imagine how scarred and toughened untreated skin would be. If even proper, medically skin grafted skin has a difficult time allowing the penis to swell, imagine what you're up against with skin that was allowed to grow back on its own, without treatment.

Ok, now, furthermore, I should note that I did find one medical case study where a new type of skin graft was able to restore full potency to a badly burned penis. But, I want you to note, that this was a new type of skin graft, that is still very new to the world. And it's not like they get many chances to test this that often ... there aren't that many badly burnt penises out there. So in order for this new type of graft to have helped him, not only would he have had to have gone out and received the proper grafts (so wouldn't his hands look better in that scenario?), but he would have had to have found someone actually doing this new type of graft.

An explanation of this new graft can be found in a link on my homepage (visit my profile on this site to reach my homepage, OR you can do a search on the internet for PEAhopeless V for Vendetta Fan Fiction). And in particular, I'd like to quote this section from the case study ...

_In the past, penile reconstruction has been attempted with skin grafts, local flaps, and even free flaps, which often result in scarring and an inability to achieve erections.(footnotes 1,4) This dermal substitute provides a smooth, noncontracting neodermal bed for skin grafting. This eventually allowed the authors' patient to achieve erection and have sexual intercourse._

Now, again, take note that this case study is talking about a new form of skin graft that does have success at allowing an erection. What this passage is saying, is that traditional skin grafts "often result in scarring and an inability to achieve erections". Let me repeat that ... traditional grafts often result in scarring ... and that's the same scarring and toughening that I'm talking about above. That's what causes the impotence. But again, this is only a new procedure. So again, I ask ...

Would V have managed to find someone to perform this new procedure? I would say it's unlikely, and given the condition of his hands, I would say that argues against it.

Did V have proper medical care performed, which would probably have given him some "tradional style" skin grafting? Based on his hands, I would say no. If he'd gotten his penis treated, I would think his hands would have been better treated and grafted as well.

So I'm guessing, based on the conditions of his hands, that he let his skin heal as best as it could on its own.

And if even "traditional" penile skin grafts produce skin that "often results in impotence", then why in the world would his even more scarred, untreated skin have even a prayer of supporting an erection?

And that, my friends, is my argument, including references.

If you visit my homepage, as can be found via my profile here at ffnet, or by doing a search on peahopeless ... or peahopeless vendetta ... on any major search engine, you'll find many adult stories spanning the length of the timeline. If you have any doubts as to how strong these two can be, or exactly what is possible, please check out those stories, through the end of timeline.


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